Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Pre-Wedding Reflections

So the day is quickly approaching: my wedding day is just three days away. Forecast: 70 degrees and sunny. That should be nice.

Anyway, I’m thinking about the way we will be introduced at the reception: Mr. and Mrs. Rogger Tovar.

Wait a second. What happened to my name? Where did it go?

As I dwell on this, I get the feeling that I’m slowly being swallowed up by him. Okay, maybe not by him, but by his name. From that day forward I will be a Tovar. I will no longer bear my last name, and this is my own decision. My fiance wants me to keep my last name, but I’m actually tired of it. I want something new. But as the day looms closer, the thought of it makes me a bit nervous. Or maybe it’s just the normal jitters one feels before this big day. Either way, it’s starting to feel like I will suddenly cease to exist as soon as I get married.

I’m sure this isn’t true at all, but the idea is just lingering around somewhere in my mind. Will I become someone new? What will this brand-new Tovar act like? Will her personality flaws melt away as soon as the ring is placed on her finger? What will she look like? Will her skin complexion suddenly darken overnight?

Maybe I should take this new name and start off with a clean slate. Kind of like New Year’s Eve, but for the soul. I haven’t made resolutions in years, but I figure why not start right now, with this life-changing event.

I’ll make some resolutions for this new me, Mrs. Tovar. The main one being that I will promise to try and not lose my temper. I believe that I can do this because I have to practice it everyday at work. Which is probably why by the time I get home, I am at my wit’s end. Regardless, this is no excuse, and I will attempt to channel the Zen-like abilities that I use to work with my students into my personal life as well.

The next resolution will be to do one household chore once a day, no matter how small. I’m super exhausted when I get home, but that’s no excuse for being a slob.

And finally, my last resolution will be to tell my fiancĂ© that I love him more often, because ever since we moved in together, I haven’t said it as much as I used to. I want him to know that I still appreciate him, even after all these years.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Elevator Revelation

So there's a guy in front of me in the elevator, and he keeps pressing the "Door Close" button but people keep running into the elevator just as the doors are closing.  They stick a hand in right at the last second: a purse, a leg, anything just to catch what feels like the last functioning elevator on Earth.  It happened about four times and you could see the impatience growing in this guy as he continues to press the "Door Close" button after each interruption.  I kept watching him, feeling a bit disgusted at his human nature, but then I stopped and remembered that I've done the same thing and felt just as annoyed as he must be feeling, especially when I've been in a rush.  It brought me back to Psych 101 all over again: the traits you most dislike in other people are the same traits you dislike the most in yourself. 
This is so true.
I wish I had more patience with people.  I have lots of patience for children, and for a select few others, but that's about it.  Back in that elevator moment, I thought to myself that maybe I should try to be more patient because that really wasn't a good look for that guy.  It didn't make him seem very nice, although he may actually have been a saint of a man and was just having a bad day.  I supposed that I could try to be more patient, but let's face it: I can't always be in a good mood, and little things might piss me off occasionally, as hard as I may try not to let it bother me.  And if I'm PMS'ing, then it's really over. I honestly can't help that!
I guess my point is, the next time you dislike or judge someone, think about why you are doing so.  You might just learn a little about yourself in the process.  Even if you don't end up doing anything about it.

Monday, March 1, 2010

After We Die

I hope that when I pass from this life that I will be able to know all I ever wanted to know and I'll finally learn the truth about everything I ever wondered about.  I hope it will all be revealed to me in one luminous moment and if I discover anything unpleasant, I wouldn't get mad about it because I'd understand why things happened the way they did.  With death I hope comes understanding and finally, peace. 
I don't believe in heaven or God.  I'm not even sure I believe in what I'm hoping for right now.  I think I just want it to be this way.  But believing in this gives me some sort of relief, and isn't that the whole reason people believe in this stuff anyway? 
I believe in reincarnation, but I hope that before I begin another life, all the answers will be revealed to me from the previous one.  Or else it'll feel like I just spent a very long time reading a great book but never got to read the ending where it's all supposed to come together in a glorious finale.