When I was in the fourth grade, my school would hold an assembly once a month. We would crowd into the gymnasium and listen as teachers called out their Student of the Month. One by one, these honored students would walk proudly down the aisle to accept their certificate.
This was a big deal for me. There I would sit, fidgeting anxiously in my seat as I awaited the verdict that would either make or break my spirits. Unfortunately, month after month would pass with nothing to show for my hard work. After every assembly, I would torture myself with questions: Was I not smart enough? I got good enough grades, didn’t I? What was I doing wrong?
During one such assembly, I happened to be sitting next to my friend, Jessica. As usual, I was ready to bounce off my chair from the excitement. “Oh! I hope I get it this time!” I said to her.
“Get what?” she said.
“Student of the Month! Duh!” I said.
“Oh, that,” she said gloomily.
“Well, don’t you want one too?” I asked her. Her grades were even better than mine, so I figured she would have been hoping for one as well.
“Yeah, I do,” she said. “But I don’t come here expecting anything. That way, if I do get the award, it feels like a nice surprise. And if I don’t get it, I don’t feel bad because I didn’t expect to get it anyway.”
“Hmm.” Somehow, this reasoning made sense to me.
I pondered this and decided she was right. Why risk being disappointed? From that moment on, I stopped expecting good things to happen to me. I got rid of my high hopes, and got rid of any expectations I might have. I would save myself the pain of losing, and I would never feel bad again about not getting something I wanted.
I have continued to apply this way of thinking, more or less, up until now, but I don’t know if it always works in my favor. Is living life without hope the way to go? Live in the present, be mindful of what is going on right now, and don’t worry about the future. These are things I’ve heard before.
Desire is the root of all suffering. If you don’t want anything, then you won’t suffer. This is basically what my friend was saying, just in simpler fourth grade terms, although her way of thinking was beyond her years, I must say.
I think that living with this belief can be good, but only up to an extent and not in all situations. Sometimes we do deserve the things that we want, like a promotion or to be in a committed relationship, and we should at least try to attain them because these things will make us happy or make us feel fulfilled. Or at least we think they will. We’re allowed to dream, aren’t we? We should be able to have goals, and try to reach them, or else what are we living for?
It’s hard not to desire anything. It’s part of our human nature. We can live without expectations, but will we be satisfied with what we end up with? If you are a true believer, then the answer is yes, because you never expected anything more. If you are caught in the middle, like I am, then the answer to this question becomes more difficult.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Unsafe in the City
I don’t feel safe here anymore. I definitely don’t feel safe working in New York City anymore. Before 9/11, we were living in a state of ignorant bliss. We were a privileged people, thinking that nothing could happen to us. We were citizens of the United States of America, and we couldn’t be touched. Now, we’ve become like the citizens of any other country who have been victims and witnesses of terrorist attacks.
I live with the fear that something terrible can happen at any moment: as I’m crossing the George Washington Bridge, on the bus in the Lincoln Tunnel, or riding on the subway. Now I will even feel it while walking in Times Square, even though I should have known all along that this largely trafficked area could be another potential target spot. And, although it’s definitely not as bad as before, I still get a little nervous whenever I hear a plane that seems to be passing a bit too low for my comfort. It will always be there now, this paranoia, and it’s sad because it was never there before.
Security is tighter now. I know that we are supposed to be grateful to the police officers that are doing their jobs in the city by randomly checking bags in transportation stations and terminals, and I am, but at the same time it makes me angry. It makes me angry because their presence somehow makes me feel like I’m guilty of something when I know I’ve done nothing wrong.
Every morning, I pass by them, praying that I don’t get picked to have my bag searched. I don’t have anything to hide, but knowing that they are watching me, deciding who their next victim is, makes me feel like I do. And sometimes, because I’m a preschool teacher working at a school that doesn’t provide me with many materials, I do have questionable items in my possession. For example, one morning in October, I was terrified that I would be stopped because I had to bring a knife and some sharp tools to work because we were going to carve a pumpkin that day. Also, every once in a while I carry small bags of flour in my backpack, for the kids to use at the sensory table. Imagine what a police officer would think upon seeing this, especially if I am of Colombian descent. Do you understand me now?
In many other cities, people are not experiencing this. I was talking to my friend, who lives in Pittsburgh, about this topic, and she says that there are no random bag checks, and overall, there is a general feeling of safety. Maybe I should move to one of these “safe” cities. Maybe I should move to Pittsburgh! Then I won’t have to worry so much about getting searched. Although, if Pennsylvania passes that Arizona immigration law, I may end up getting searched anyway. But don’t get me started on that!
Please don’t think I don’t appreciate the work that is being done to keep us safe here in the city. I do. I guess I’m just still trying to come to terms with the way we have to live now, as opposed to the somewhat carefree existence we used to enjoy nine years ago.
I live with the fear that something terrible can happen at any moment: as I’m crossing the George Washington Bridge, on the bus in the Lincoln Tunnel, or riding on the subway. Now I will even feel it while walking in Times Square, even though I should have known all along that this largely trafficked area could be another potential target spot. And, although it’s definitely not as bad as before, I still get a little nervous whenever I hear a plane that seems to be passing a bit too low for my comfort. It will always be there now, this paranoia, and it’s sad because it was never there before.
Security is tighter now. I know that we are supposed to be grateful to the police officers that are doing their jobs in the city by randomly checking bags in transportation stations and terminals, and I am, but at the same time it makes me angry. It makes me angry because their presence somehow makes me feel like I’m guilty of something when I know I’ve done nothing wrong.
Every morning, I pass by them, praying that I don’t get picked to have my bag searched. I don’t have anything to hide, but knowing that they are watching me, deciding who their next victim is, makes me feel like I do. And sometimes, because I’m a preschool teacher working at a school that doesn’t provide me with many materials, I do have questionable items in my possession. For example, one morning in October, I was terrified that I would be stopped because I had to bring a knife and some sharp tools to work because we were going to carve a pumpkin that day. Also, every once in a while I carry small bags of flour in my backpack, for the kids to use at the sensory table. Imagine what a police officer would think upon seeing this, especially if I am of Colombian descent. Do you understand me now?
In many other cities, people are not experiencing this. I was talking to my friend, who lives in Pittsburgh, about this topic, and she says that there are no random bag checks, and overall, there is a general feeling of safety. Maybe I should move to one of these “safe” cities. Maybe I should move to Pittsburgh! Then I won’t have to worry so much about getting searched. Although, if Pennsylvania passes that Arizona immigration law, I may end up getting searched anyway. But don’t get me started on that!
Please don’t think I don’t appreciate the work that is being done to keep us safe here in the city. I do. I guess I’m just still trying to come to terms with the way we have to live now, as opposed to the somewhat carefree existence we used to enjoy nine years ago.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
To Muse or Be Amused?
Once upon a time, I used to have a life. I would read for hours, write whenever I felt inspired, and spend quality time with my loved ones. I was proud to say that my life did not revolve around television shows.
That was before DVR came along. Now, I can’t seem to get away from its seductive call: “Watch me. You know you want to. Come on…just one little show.” One little show turns into four little shows, and before you know it, two hours have gone by.
The possibilities are endless now. So I can’t make it home in time for LOST tonight? No problem, just DVR it. Oh no! Did I forget to DVR Grey’s Anatomy? No worries, I’ll just call my husband to set it up through his iPhone.
It’s gotten so ridiculous that even if I’m home in time to watch the show, I’ll start recording it, and then wait a half hour, just so I can skip the commercials.
I fear the loss of my creative soul. As I write this, I fight the urge to turn on the television. I know that they’re there, just waiting for me. It’s so easy to allow your mind to go blank for a while and let this device entertain you instead of worrying about how to entertain yourself, especially after a hard day’s work. It’s just so convenient!
Inevitably, what I do with my free time is up to me, of course. It’s all about choices, but unfortunately, it’s getting harder for me to choose my muse over picking up the remote control and being amused.
That was before DVR came along. Now, I can’t seem to get away from its seductive call: “Watch me. You know you want to. Come on…just one little show.” One little show turns into four little shows, and before you know it, two hours have gone by.
The possibilities are endless now. So I can’t make it home in time for LOST tonight? No problem, just DVR it. Oh no! Did I forget to DVR Grey’s Anatomy? No worries, I’ll just call my husband to set it up through his iPhone.
It’s gotten so ridiculous that even if I’m home in time to watch the show, I’ll start recording it, and then wait a half hour, just so I can skip the commercials.
I fear the loss of my creative soul. As I write this, I fight the urge to turn on the television. I know that they’re there, just waiting for me. It’s so easy to allow your mind to go blank for a while and let this device entertain you instead of worrying about how to entertain yourself, especially after a hard day’s work. It’s just so convenient!
Inevitably, what I do with my free time is up to me, of course. It’s all about choices, but unfortunately, it’s getting harder for me to choose my muse over picking up the remote control and being amused.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
To Have or Not To Have...Kids
Everyone says having children is worth it, but is it really? I have been struggling with this decision, and I have yet to come to a conclusion.
Since I was a little girl, I used to dream about having children: what they would look like, what I would name them, what their personalities would be (beautiful, Julie/Ricardo, and outgoing, in case you were wondering!). I continued having these dreams until about a year ago, when I moved out of my parent’s house and moved in with my newly acquired husband. It has nothing to do with how much I love my husband, but it has everything to do with how much I love my free time.
If we decide not to have children, my husband and I will have more time to spend together, just the two of us, which I love. We could travel alone to different places, and go out anytime we feel like it. Our free time could be spent however we choose; our only obligations would be to each other.
Also, we wouldn’t have to worry about the extra expense of a child. We could probably afford more of the things we want, without having to spend money on diapers, baby food, clothing, and toys. And we would definitely be able to save more money as well.
Another aspect to consider is that I’m a professional, not a stay-at-home wife. I work 8am to 4:30pm, five days a week, and my commute is long and arduous. I don’t know how all you working mothers do it, and I give you much respect, because I come home so tired I don’t even feel like walking the dog, much less have the energy to take care of a baby!
However, if I don’t have a child, I will never know what it is to be a mother. I will never know for sure how my kids would have turned out (although it goes without saying that they’d be the smartest little kids on the planet!). I will never experience the love between a mother and child, which is different from the love between a husband and wife.
This decision might be easier if I didn’t have to worry about having to balance work, family, and a household (because let’s face it, he helps out, but the unfortunate expectation is that I’m the one who should be doing most of the cooking, cleaning, and organizing. But this is a whole different blog topic altogether!)
You may wonder what my husband has to say about all this, and he is definitely pushing for the ‘No kids’ verdict. However, he has left the choice up to me. He would rather not, but if I want it badly enough, he would not be opposed. Mostly, he really doesn’t want one right now. There’s just so much we want to do first! And I’m only 27, so I suppose I have time on my side.
I’ve heard it said that if you keep waiting for the perfect time to have a child, you’ll never end up having one. I think that if you truly want a child, you would never let this happen. However, if you’re having doubts, like I am, then this popular saying can easily become a real possibility.
Since I was a little girl, I used to dream about having children: what they would look like, what I would name them, what their personalities would be (beautiful, Julie/Ricardo, and outgoing, in case you were wondering!). I continued having these dreams until about a year ago, when I moved out of my parent’s house and moved in with my newly acquired husband. It has nothing to do with how much I love my husband, but it has everything to do with how much I love my free time.
If we decide not to have children, my husband and I will have more time to spend together, just the two of us, which I love. We could travel alone to different places, and go out anytime we feel like it. Our free time could be spent however we choose; our only obligations would be to each other.
Also, we wouldn’t have to worry about the extra expense of a child. We could probably afford more of the things we want, without having to spend money on diapers, baby food, clothing, and toys. And we would definitely be able to save more money as well.
Another aspect to consider is that I’m a professional, not a stay-at-home wife. I work 8am to 4:30pm, five days a week, and my commute is long and arduous. I don’t know how all you working mothers do it, and I give you much respect, because I come home so tired I don’t even feel like walking the dog, much less have the energy to take care of a baby!
However, if I don’t have a child, I will never know what it is to be a mother. I will never know for sure how my kids would have turned out (although it goes without saying that they’d be the smartest little kids on the planet!). I will never experience the love between a mother and child, which is different from the love between a husband and wife.
This decision might be easier if I didn’t have to worry about having to balance work, family, and a household (because let’s face it, he helps out, but the unfortunate expectation is that I’m the one who should be doing most of the cooking, cleaning, and organizing. But this is a whole different blog topic altogether!)
You may wonder what my husband has to say about all this, and he is definitely pushing for the ‘No kids’ verdict. However, he has left the choice up to me. He would rather not, but if I want it badly enough, he would not be opposed. Mostly, he really doesn’t want one right now. There’s just so much we want to do first! And I’m only 27, so I suppose I have time on my side.
I’ve heard it said that if you keep waiting for the perfect time to have a child, you’ll never end up having one. I think that if you truly want a child, you would never let this happen. However, if you’re having doubts, like I am, then this popular saying can easily become a real possibility.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The Young and the Stupid
There’s a reason why people say the phrase “Back when I was young and stupid” when referring to their teenage years and early twenties. It’s because we really were young and stupid. Back then, we thought we were the shit. While we were vaguely aware of danger, we were sure that nothing could ever happen to us. Our minds couldn’t process any consequences to our actions, or if they could, we didn’t take them very seriously. There is actual biological evidence to verify this fact: our brains continue to develop until we reach our mid-twenties, and that ‘logical reasoning’ part of our brain is the last to fully develop.
I’m sure we could all think of stupid things we did as adolescents that we would think twice about doing now. However small it may be.
For example, I was 21 when I started dating my now-husband, and I remember that dancing was the most important thing to me. It still is important to me, but it’s definitely not in my top 3 anymore. Meanwhile, my husband has never been a fan. Well, that didn’t stop me from dancing with other guys in front of him whenever I dragged him to a club. I figured, “Hey, if he doesn’t want to dance with me, then that’s his own fault, and if I love to dance, well then I’m gonna dance damn it!”
Now, while it is important to continue to enjoy activities we are passionate about, I definitely wouldn’t act in the same way now. If I’m at a club by myself, then I’ll still dance with other guys, but it’s only for the simple joy that dancing gives me. I’m not looking to impress anybody because I’m happy being with my husband. However, if I am at a club with my significant other, I wouldn’t do that because I’m there with him, not by myself, so I shouldn’t act like I am by myself. Do you follow?
I shudder to think how I could have done that to my husband years ago while we were dating, and wonder at how and why he didn’t break up with me right then and there. I guess he was still young and stupid too.
A friend of mine recently broke up with a girl much younger than him, a girl who was just about to turn 21. Why? Because she was still growing up, while we have already reached a different stage in our lives. A life where going out and partying isn’t the most important thing anymore, but it’s about just enjoying life, and learning about its simpler pleasures. Like staying home watching a movie with your hubby while eating your favorite meal with a glass of wine.
I’m sure we could all think of stupid things we did as adolescents that we would think twice about doing now. However small it may be.
For example, I was 21 when I started dating my now-husband, and I remember that dancing was the most important thing to me. It still is important to me, but it’s definitely not in my top 3 anymore. Meanwhile, my husband has never been a fan. Well, that didn’t stop me from dancing with other guys in front of him whenever I dragged him to a club. I figured, “Hey, if he doesn’t want to dance with me, then that’s his own fault, and if I love to dance, well then I’m gonna dance damn it!”
Now, while it is important to continue to enjoy activities we are passionate about, I definitely wouldn’t act in the same way now. If I’m at a club by myself, then I’ll still dance with other guys, but it’s only for the simple joy that dancing gives me. I’m not looking to impress anybody because I’m happy being with my husband. However, if I am at a club with my significant other, I wouldn’t do that because I’m there with him, not by myself, so I shouldn’t act like I am by myself. Do you follow?
I shudder to think how I could have done that to my husband years ago while we were dating, and wonder at how and why he didn’t break up with me right then and there. I guess he was still young and stupid too.
A friend of mine recently broke up with a girl much younger than him, a girl who was just about to turn 21. Why? Because she was still growing up, while we have already reached a different stage in our lives. A life where going out and partying isn’t the most important thing anymore, but it’s about just enjoying life, and learning about its simpler pleasures. Like staying home watching a movie with your hubby while eating your favorite meal with a glass of wine.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
My A.A.M. (Aromatic and Auditory Morning) Commute
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Snooooooze.
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Snoooooooooooooze.
Thump!
Hit the floor.
Kicked out of bed.
Wake up!
Morning breath.
Fix that.
Mmmmm….Minty.
Step outside.
Fresh air.
COUGH,
GAG,
COUGH.
Cigarette smoke!
Who the hell is smoking at 7am?
Disgusting!
Up the stairs.
DING!
Hurry!
Into the lightrail.
Urine stench.
Never fails.
Gotta bear it.
Doors SWOOSH!
Gotta get outta there.
Ooh…au bon pain…
Coffee beans and egg sandwiches.
Cram into the Path train.
GASP!
Hold my breath.
Overly-applied perfume.
One spritz
Is enough please!
Snooooooze.
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Snoooooooooooooze.
Thump!
Hit the floor.
Kicked out of bed.
Wake up!
Morning breath.
Fix that.
Mmmmm….Minty.
Step outside.
Fresh air.
COUGH,
GAG,
COUGH.
Cigarette smoke!
Who the hell is smoking at 7am?
Disgusting!
Up the stairs.
DING!
Hurry!
Into the lightrail.
Urine stench.
Never fails.
Gotta bear it.
Doors SWOOSH!
Gotta get outta there.
Ooh…au bon pain…
Coffee beans and egg sandwiches.
Cram into the Path train.
GASP!
Hold my breath.
Overly-applied perfume.
One spritz
Is enough please!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Thoroughly Thoughtless
A few years ago I remember I was on the bus going home from work, and a really loud obnoxious woman was sitting in front of me. There always seems to be one in every crowd. Especially at workshops, but that's another story.
This woman was talking loudly on the phone the entire time, calling every person she knew, and complaining to each of them about how SLOW the bus was, how LONG it was taking to get there (I believe she used the word "eons"), and how she was gonna have a HEART ATTACK if the bus driver drove any slower.
It was so aggravating to hear her complaining, especially when she complained about the bus driver because I knew he could hear her (who couldn't?). What did she expect? It was rush hour, it was raining, and there was a lot of traffic.
It's so amazing, I couldn't help but think, how a person could be so bored with life that they can't just look out the window and watch the world go by. Any minute without the entertainment of a T.V. screen, a book, a cell phone, a PSP - to some people - is a minute wasted, or a minute spent completely bored. How about using your extra time observing, analyzing, thinking, or wondering? Musing or imagining? Instead of having everything handed to us precooked or prethought up. Thoroughly thoughtless - that's a good way to describe these people.
Welcome everyone, to the world of the Thoroughly Thoughtless! Are you so lazy you can't think of anything yourself? Do you have a nervous breakdown if your mind isn't occupied with garbage 24/7? Do you get headaches whenever there's the slightest problem you can't handle? Do you crave a distraction from the ugliness of reality? Then you've come to the right place!
And the sad thing is, the majority of people (at least here in the U.S) are citizens of the Thoroughly Thoughtless world. I'm not saying we should be zombies and wander around doing nothing all day, but doing that once in a while, when you have the chance, wouldn't hurt.
This woman was talking loudly on the phone the entire time, calling every person she knew, and complaining to each of them about how SLOW the bus was, how LONG it was taking to get there (I believe she used the word "eons"), and how she was gonna have a HEART ATTACK if the bus driver drove any slower.
It was so aggravating to hear her complaining, especially when she complained about the bus driver because I knew he could hear her (who couldn't?). What did she expect? It was rush hour, it was raining, and there was a lot of traffic.
It's so amazing, I couldn't help but think, how a person could be so bored with life that they can't just look out the window and watch the world go by. Any minute without the entertainment of a T.V. screen, a book, a cell phone, a PSP - to some people - is a minute wasted, or a minute spent completely bored. How about using your extra time observing, analyzing, thinking, or wondering? Musing or imagining? Instead of having everything handed to us precooked or prethought up. Thoroughly thoughtless - that's a good way to describe these people.
Welcome everyone, to the world of the Thoroughly Thoughtless! Are you so lazy you can't think of anything yourself? Do you have a nervous breakdown if your mind isn't occupied with garbage 24/7? Do you get headaches whenever there's the slightest problem you can't handle? Do you crave a distraction from the ugliness of reality? Then you've come to the right place!
And the sad thing is, the majority of people (at least here in the U.S) are citizens of the Thoroughly Thoughtless world. I'm not saying we should be zombies and wander around doing nothing all day, but doing that once in a while, when you have the chance, wouldn't hurt.
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